The Courage To Be Disliked

The Courage To Be Disliked backs five of Tom's lessons. Under each of his lessons, what the book says about it, and on which pages.

• They quit when there is an easier route to the same revenue

  The philosopher says people keep their current lifestyle because the familiar is easier and more predictable, even when they complain about it. pp. 52 and 78. In the book: The three life tasks, Stepping out of a power struggle.

• Turn down anyone unclear about their commitment

  The would-be novelist who never submits keeps the possibility open to avoid risking rejection, which is the unclear commitment Tom screens for. pp. 54 and 64. In the book: The three life tasks, Stepping out of a power struggle.

• The intake question is why, and what it is costing them

  Adler's teleology asks what goal a behaviour serves and not what caused it, which is the same move as asking a founder why they are investing. pp. 29 and 30.

• People online are selfish, so lead with what they get

  The book says people seeking recognition are looking at themselves while appearing to look at others, so an audience asks what a person will give it. pp. 166 and 168. In the book: The encouragement approach.

• Assumptions made too fast, and risk avoided

  Excessive self-consciousness and the fear of being ridiculed or rejected keep people from acting, and the cure offered is to move without waiting for approval. pp. 54 and 203. In the book: Self-acceptance, confidence in others, contribution to others, Living energeially.

Kishimi and Koga set out Adlerian psychology as a conversation between a sceptical young man and a philosopher. The central claim is that people are not driven by past trauma but by present goals, so an unhappy person has chosen a lifestyle and can choose another. All problems are interpersonal relationship problems, and the way through is to separate your tasks from other people's, give up the craving for recognition and accept being disliked. Real belonging comes from seeing others as equals and comrades, accepting yourself, trusting others without conditions and contributing to them, and happiness is the feeling of contribution. Life is lived in the present moment like a dance, and what stops people is a shortage of courage and never a shortage of ability.

• Unhappiness and a stuck personality are chosen goals, so you can choose again at any time; the missing ingredient is courage, since the ability is already there (p. 52).
• Separate tasks by asking who will receive the final result of the choice; most relationship friction is intruding on other people's tasks (pp. 128, 136).
• What other people think of you is their task, and freedom has the cost of being disliked by some of them (pp. 148, 149).
• Do not praise or rebuke; use gratitude between equals, because praise is a judgement from above (pp. 179, 185).
• Boasting and fabricated authority come from feelings of inferiority, and an inferiority complex is a feeling used as an excuse (pp. 77, 82).
• When a power struggle starts, step down without reacting and stay out of the revenge stage (pp. 96, 98).
• Ask what you can give instead of what you will get, since belonging is earned by contribution (p. 170).
• Self-acceptance means taking the sixty per cent as it stands and asking how to get closer to a hundred (p. 206).
• Happiness is the feeling of contribution, which needs no recognition and need not be visible (pp. 229, 230).
• Live each moment like a dance, with the process as the outcome and no story about the past or future (pp. 240, 245).

• How do you build a personal brand that generates inbound rather than requiring outbound?

  The book argues that craving recognition makes a person unfree and that contribution to others is the guiding star, which points to leading with what you give and not chasing approval.

• Which of my stories travel, and which only feel like they should?

  Whether an audience likes a story is their task and not yours, so the book says to judge a story by whether it contributes and to stop reading silence as a verdict.

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