---
title: "Turn toward tension"
description: "Ways to resolve disagreement between people who care deeply."
canonical: https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/unreasonable-hospitality/turn-toward-tension/
updated: 2026-11-03
---

# Turn toward tension

> Ways to resolve disagreement between people who care deeply.

Will Guidara's framework, from Unreasonable Hospitality, pp. 129 to 143.

Framework 9 of 15 from [Unreasonable Hospitality](https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/unreasonable-hospitality/index.md) by Will Guidara. Category: Life and thinking.

## The steps

1. **Do not go to bed angry.** Talk through any frustration with a colleague before going home.
2. **Find the third option.** Swap sides if stuck, then look for a solution neither side would have come up with alone.
3. **Concede the win.** Let whoever cares more about the issue have their way, without overusing it.
4. **Learn their tough-love language.** Match the delivery of criticism to the person, without sarcasm, privately and without emotion.

## Where it comes from

From chapter: Chapter 12: Relationships Are Simple. Simple Is Hard., pp. 129–143

Daniel Humm loses the 2007 Rising Star Chef award to David Chang, and Guidara throws the first party for a loss, drinking the best bottles on the worst day. He then sets out ways to turn toward tension: do not go to bed angry, find a third option such as chargers with a useful unglazed circle, concede the win to whoever cares more, and learn each person’s tough-love language, including the time he screamed at Humm for throwing food at a cook. He gives a second chance to a captain caught drinking, amends the saying to hire slow, fire fast but not too fast, and builds traditions such as opening on Thanksgiving with a staff dinner and toasts.

## The animation

24 seconds, 4:5, no sound.

- MP4: https://tomsharman-downloads-006143767029.s3.eu-north-1.amazonaws.com/downloads/bookshelf/unreasonable-hospitality/turn-toward-tension.mp4
- MP4, dark: https://tomsharman-downloads-006143767029.s3.eu-north-1.amazonaws.com/downloads/bookshelf/unreasonable-hospitality/turn-toward-tension-dark.mp4
- Still: https://tomsharman-downloads-006143767029.s3.eu-north-1.amazonaws.com/downloads/bookshelf/unreasonable-hospitality/turn-toward-tension.png
- Still, dark: https://tomsharman-downloads-006143767029.s3.eu-north-1.amazonaws.com/downloads/bookshelf/unreasonable-hospitality/turn-toward-tension-dark.png