--- title: "The Courage To Be Disliked, for creators" description: "Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga's The Courage To Be Disliked in 6 frameworks with steps, and the five Tom Sharman lessons it backs." canonical: https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/the-courage-to-be-disliked/ updated: 2026-11-03 --- # The Courage To Be Disliked: How to free yourself, change your life and achieve real happiness > Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga's The Courage To Be Disliked in 6 frameworks with steps, and the five Tom Sharman lessons it backs. The frameworks here are Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga's, from The Courage To Be Disliked. Claude read the book in Tom's Brain and linked it to his lessons. ## How Tom uses this - [They quit when there is an easier route to the same revenue](https://tomsharman.com/lessons/they-quit-when-there-is-an-easier-route-to-the-same-revenue/index.md): The philosopher says people keep their current lifestyle because the familiar is easier and more predictable, even when they complain about it. (pp. 52 and 78) - [Turn down anyone unclear about their commitment](https://tomsharman.com/lessons/turn-down-anyone-unclear-about-their-commitment/index.md): The would-be novelist who never submits keeps the possibility open to avoid risking rejection, which is the unclear commitment Tom screens for. (pp. 54 and 64) - [The intake question is why, and what it is costing them](https://tomsharman.com/lessons/the-intake-question-is-why-and-what-it-is-costing-them/index.md): Adler's teleology asks what goal a behaviour serves and not what caused it, which is the same move as asking a founder why they are investing. (pp. 29 and 30) - [People online are selfish, so lead with what they get](https://tomsharman.com/lessons/people-online-are-selfish-so-lead-with-what-they-get/index.md): The book says people seeking recognition are looking at themselves while appearing to look at others, so an audience asks what a person will give it. (pp. 166 and 168) - [Assumptions made too fast, and risk avoided](https://tomsharman.com/lessons/assumptions-made-too-fast-and-risk-avoided/index.md): Excessive self-consciousness and the fear of being ridiculed or rejected keep people from acting, and the cure offered is to move without waiting for approval. (pp. 54 and 203) - Author: Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga - Pages: 260 - ISBN: 9781760630720 - Chapters: 13 - Frameworks: 6 - Categories: Leadership, Offers and pricing, Life and thinking, Founder mindset, Systems and operations - Book 9 of 46 on the bookshelf: https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/index.md ## What it argues Kishimi and Koga set out Adlerian psychology as a conversation between a sceptical young man and a philosopher. The central claim is that people are not driven by past trauma but by present goals, so an unhappy person has chosen a lifestyle and can choose another. All problems are interpersonal relationship problems, and the way through is to separate your tasks from other people's, give up the craving for recognition and accept being disliked. Real belonging comes from seeing others as equals and comrades, accepting yourself, trusting others without conditions and contributing to them, and happiness is the feeling of contribution. Life is lived in the present moment like a dance, and what stops people is a shortage of courage and never a shortage of ability. ## Worth keeping - Unhappiness and a stuck personality are chosen goals, so you can choose again at any time; the missing ingredient is courage, since the ability is already there (p. 52). - Separate tasks by asking who will receive the final result of the choice; most relationship friction is intruding on other people's tasks (pp. 128, 136). - What other people think of you is their task, and freedom has the cost of being disliked by some of them (pp. 148, 149). - Do not praise or rebuke; use gratitude between equals, because praise is a judgement from above (pp. 179, 185). - Boasting and fabricated authority come from feelings of inferiority, and an inferiority complex is a feeling used as an excuse (pp. 77, 82). - When a power struggle starts, step down without reacting and stay out of the revenge stage (pp. 96, 98). - Ask what you can give instead of what you will get, since belonging is earned by contribution (p. 170). - Self-acceptance means taking the sixty per cent as it stands and asking how to get closer to a hundred (p. 206). - Happiness is the feeling of contribution, which needs no recognition and need not be visible (pp. 229, 230). - Live each moment like a dance, with the process as the outcome and no story about the past or future (pp. 240, 245). ## The questions it answers ### How do you build a personal brand that generates inbound rather than requiring outbound? The book argues that craving recognition makes a person unfree and that contribution to others is the guiding star, which points to leading with what you give and not chasing approval. ### Which of my stories travel, and which only feel like they should? Whether an audience likes a story is their task and not yours, so the book says to judge a story by whether it contributes and to stop reading silence as a verdict. ## The frameworks 1. [Separation of tasks](https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/the-courage-to-be-disliked/separation-of-tasks/index.md): A method for removing interpersonal friction by deciding whose task a thing is and refusing to intrude on, or be intruded on in, tasks that belong to someone else. 2. [The three life tasks](https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/the-courage-to-be-disliked/the-three-life-tasks/index.md): Adler's three categories of interpersonal relationship every person has to face to become self-reliant and live in harmony with society. 3. [Stepping out of a power struggle](https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/the-courage-to-be-disliked/stepping-out-of-a-power-struggle/index.md): How to deal with provocation, anger and the urge to be right without feeding a contest or inviting revenge. 4. [The encouragement approach](https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/the-courage-to-be-disliked/the-encouragement-approach/index.md): Adler's alternative to praise and rebuke, built on horizontal relationships and aimed at restoring a person's courage to face their own tasks. 5. [Self-acceptance, confidence in others, contribution to others](https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/the-courage-to-be-disliked/self-acceptance-confidence-in-others-contribution-to-others/index.md): The three linked keys to moving from attachment to self to concern for others and reaching community feeling. 6. [Living energeially](https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/the-courage-to-be-disliked/living-energeially/index.md): Aristotle's distinction used to treat life as a series of moments lived like a dance, not a climb to a summit. ## Working with Tom on this Tom works with creators and founders one to one, from a single session to a fractional role. [Work with Tom](https://tomsharman.com/consulting/)