---
title: "Saying no without the apology"
description: "A way to practise direct refusals so other people's comfort stops steering your time."
canonical: https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/start-with-yourself/saying-no-without-the-apology/
updated: 2026-11-03
---

# Saying no without the apology

> A way to practise direct refusals so other people's comfort stops steering your time.

Emma Grede's framework, from Start With Yourself, pp. 49 to 237.

Framework 2 of 14 from [Start With Yourself](https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/start-with-yourself/index.md) by Emma Grede. Category: Life and thinking.

## The steps

1. **Swap can't for won't.** Say I won't or I don't want to instead of I can't, because can't invites people to push.
2. **Practise on low stakes.** Start with friends and small invitations, giving a straight no, thank you.
3. **Drop the excuses.** Do not justify, hem and haw, or apologise; you can still be polite and grateful.
4. **Learn from a no you hear.** Treat a no as information, ask questions and look for the lesson, then drop the defensiveness.

## Where it comes from

From chapter: Part Three: Old Thoughts, pp. 49–237

## The animation

24 seconds, 4:5, no sound.

- MP4: https://tomsharman-downloads-006143767029.s3.eu-north-1.amazonaws.com/downloads/bookshelf/start-with-yourself/saying-no-without-the-apology.mp4
- MP4, dark: https://tomsharman-downloads-006143767029.s3.eu-north-1.amazonaws.com/downloads/bookshelf/start-with-yourself/saying-no-without-the-apology-dark.mp4
- Still: https://tomsharman-downloads-006143767029.s3.eu-north-1.amazonaws.com/downloads/bookshelf/start-with-yourself/saying-no-without-the-apology.png
- Still, dark: https://tomsharman-downloads-006143767029.s3.eu-north-1.amazonaws.com/downloads/bookshelf/start-with-yourself/saying-no-without-the-apology-dark.png