--- title: "Calibrated questions" description: "How and what questions that steer while they feel in control." canonical: https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/never-split-the-difference/calibrated-questions/ updated: 2026-11-03 --- # Calibrated questions > How and what questions that steer while they feel in control. Chris Voss's framework, from Never Split the Difference, pp. 117 to 133. Framework 5 of 9 from [Never Split the Difference](https://tomsharman.com/bookshelf/never-split-the-difference/index.md) by Chris Voss. Category: Life and thinking. ## The steps 1. **Know the destination.** Design the question for it. 2. **Start with what or how.** Avoid why. 3. **No closed verbs.** Avoid can, is, do. 4. **Deferential tone.** A request for help. ## Where it comes from From chapter: CHAPTER 7 | CREATE THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL, pp. 117–133 The failure at Dos Palmas, where Abu Sayyaf hostages Martin and Gracia Burnham were held for thirteen months, led Voss to rethink the showdown mindset. A Pittsburgh drug dealer who simply asked a kidnapper 'how do I know she's all right?' showed that a calibrated, open question makes the other side volunteer the answer. Calibrated questions start with 'what' or 'how', avoid yes or no verbs and 'why', and steer the conversation while giving the illusion of control. The chapter ends with an eight step script for a client who was not being paid, which failed only because she lost control of her anger. ## The animation 24 seconds, 4:5, no sound. - MP4: https://tomsharman-downloads-006143767029.s3.eu-north-1.amazonaws.com/downloads/bookshelf/never-split-the-difference/calibrated-questions.mp4 - MP4, dark: https://tomsharman-downloads-006143767029.s3.eu-north-1.amazonaws.com/downloads/bookshelf/never-split-the-difference/calibrated-questions-dark.mp4 - Still: https://tomsharman-downloads-006143767029.s3.eu-north-1.amazonaws.com/downloads/bookshelf/never-split-the-difference/calibrated-questions.png - Still, dark: https://tomsharman-downloads-006143767029.s3.eu-north-1.amazonaws.com/downloads/bookshelf/never-split-the-difference/calibrated-questions-dark.png